Do You Have A Wound Mate?
Say for example that your dad was very passive with you growing up. That he didn’t take full responsibility in his role as a father. Maybe he was never home. Maybe your parents divorced and he disappeared or maybe you only saw him every second week or weekend.
Maybe your mom worked too much and didn’t have the energy to be present for you, or never cared to join any of your sports events or other stuff that was important to you.
Those self-worth micro traumas became a lack of self-worth core beliefs. Core beliefs such as I’m not worthy enough of anyone’s interest or I’m not good enough to be fully loved or I’m invisible so no one can love me. These beliefs can play a big role in your life even if you don’t understand how or even why. We tend to underestimate the “small” misshapenness of our youth and we don’t even consider them as traumas.
As a result of having these self-worth micro traumas, perhaps you feel unlovable as an adult or that you are a burden to others, that you have to take care of yourself because you don’t trust anyone to let the guard down and let them take care of you.
When we are kids, under the age of 7 or 8 our brain has not yet developed logical thinking, so we could not be logical about the lack of interest or presence our parents showed. We could not separate them from ourselves and understand that their pain, stress and issues wasn’t about us. As a survival defense, we made it about us instead. About us and our lack of worth. We took responsibility for their disinterest in us. To take control over this emotional pain, our ego started to help us create “weapons”. “Defense weapons” (or coping mechanisms) such as, acting independent, acting strong, acting invisible, becoming really good at sports or excelling in school. We started seeking approval and worthiness elsewhere, and we started people pleasing.
And after 10-15-20-30 years of this behavior, we are not aware any more that the reason we did it, is because we are afraid that we are worthless. Not good enough. Not worthy of care, love or even respect.
This now becomes our blind spots.
However, if you have some of those unconscious core beliefs, your subconscious is always attempting to “help” you heal those wounds. The way our subconscious does this, is to repeat the story. Repeat the micro trauma.
Wound Mate = Trauma Bond. A partner, lover, friend, someone who is compatible with your trauma.
Here is where your wound mate comes in. You will unconsciously pick a lover or a friend that is most in line with your core beliefs. A person that will act as your mom and dad, who can’t be present, who works all the time, who doesn’t seem to make any effort or makes excuses. Your subconscious basically creates your reality by projecting the essence of our core beliefs and draws into your reality, the components that will ultimately help us heal and grow. These projections send out those vibes which will be picked up by someone that matches those wounds. Someone who also needs to be seen, who doesn’t know how to receive love; someone who also has ego weapons.
To discover our own wounds, and heal them at the same time and to live with a wound mate is very hard and painful. Trust me, I know this in first hand! I have come across so many people, me included, that have been trapped and lost in our own blind spots.
Sometimes we need help seeing our buried micro and macro wounds. And when we discover those wounds, we need a space to be held in, so we can heal and rewrite the story we tell ourselves.
Love heals all wounds, that’s why we seek it so badly; we sometimes just happen to seek it from the wrong part in us or outside of ourselves. If we “learned that we can’t be loved” then love is a really tricky and hard topic for us, we don’t know how to let it in. We then need to learn how to love again.
And when we learn how to love, we can then receive love and also give it. And the best part: we don’t need a wound mate anymore.
I have failed doing this so many times so I know how hard it is. I have also succeeded doing this because of the community of like-minded people. To see others having the same blind spot as me. To see them clearly in others, understand them, feel compassion for others’ wounds, have made me see and understand myself and my own wounds.
To be in a group and share your wounds, is very healing. You discover that so many others share the same wounds or other combinations similar to yours. And when mirroring these with the group and simply shedding light on them, can in itself be tremendously healing and ultimately incredibly liberating.
For example, if you have a love-hate story with your mate—Know that it doesn’t have to be so. Your trauma is repeating itself and will continue doing so until you see what is broken and heal this part of yourself and integrate the previously disowned part back into the whole self.
How to be strong and vulnerable at the same time
Sign up to the EQ GYM’s new course! It will take place over zoom every Monday in November. The course will help you take ownership over your vulnerability. This is my all time favorite workshop! The love that is co-created in those session it’s very healing itself. To understand oneself through a stranger’s charing is both beautiful and connecting. I highly recommend to try this out.
Mondays. Start 2/11. 18-20.(6-8pm)
Find more info here – or email me directly.
With Love, April
This is a guest post. Any opinions expressed are the writer’s own.