How to create life quality even when life is hard
We’re living in unsettling times, for the world, for society and the individual. It’s easy for us generally, and especially in times like these, to get caught up in “if-only”. If only this would be over, then I would start living again. If I only knew that I or anyone I love wouldn’t be seriously ill, then I’d relax. If there was only a guarantee that the financial situation would be okay, I promise I’d be grateful forever. We’re looking for control, for guarantees and a way to predict the future, something that no one can do…we just don’t know, and we need to accept that.
And maybe that’s one of the main lessons for humanity in all of this, to give up the illusion of control once and for all? So how do you do that? Well, if I only had a simple answer to that question… I’ll just refer back to my previous article about trust. It’s not about arguing with or resisting your need for control but rather cultivating trust. To simply to choose to trust in challenging situations.
Alright, now that we’ve let go of the need to control and longing for a future we know very little about, what do we do with all that time? “Be here and now“, is what I’m thinking. The only place where life actually happens. In the only thing that’s real…this present moment.
Before you sigh and scroll away because this all sounds too woo-woo and esoteric I want to ask you to stay just a moment longer, because I promise you this is not woo-woo and actually quite concrete. Give me a chance to explain!
Life is a string of moments following each other, one now followed by another one and another one. Sometimes we use the expression “one day at a time” when it’s actually one moment at a time. Because we can’t live anywhere else than in the present moment. So what we’re doing while practicing mindfulness or presence is nothing else but practicing living in reality which sounds to me like a wise thing to be doing.
Many of us long for the future because we believe that when things are a certain way everything will be well. But what we’re actually longing for is a feeling of “well” that we think will only be achieved if things are a “certain way”, the way they “should” be. If that’s true we’re actually longing for a feeling and not a particular reality. And a feeling can be triggered by all kinds of different circumstances which means we actually don’t need things to be a “certain way” for us to reach our goal, which is to feel the feeling we’re longing for.
Let me give an example: Right now I’m longing to be able to move around the city freely, to be able to hug the people I love, to work from my co-working office, to not feel worry for my own and others’ health. When I think about this future and imagine that I‘m already there, I can notice what feelings I connect to this future I’m longing for: Freedom. Community. Safety.
What I’m actually longing for is a feeling of freedom, community and safety. And those are feelings I can experience in a thousand different ways which opens up to so many possibilities. I can feel free by reaching my arms out, look up at the sky and take a deep breath. When I allow myself to be in that moment, I feel free. I can feel community by checking in with my friends on Zoom and being completely present and curious when doing so. When I allow myself to be in that moment, I feel community. I can feel safe by putting my hands over my heart and telling myself: I’m here with you, I’m not going anywhere. When I allow myself to be in that moment, I feel safe.
By breaking life down into moments instead of months, weeks or even days. And by identifying the feelings I long to feel, and creating simple opportunities for myself to feel those feelings, I’ll move there to here and life from my head to my heart.
There’s so much we can’t control in this world. But we can decide what to make of this moment. We can create opportunities and circumstances, in the small stuff, to get to feel what we long to feel. And the beautiful twist to this is; what we focus on grows. By creating small moments where we get to experience the way we wish to feel we can allow the feeling to grow. You attract what you are. When you focus on worry your mind will find all kinds of things to worry about. When you focus on gratitude you’ll notice more and more stuff to be grateful for.
Focus on what you want more of. Stay in the present moment. And move there to here. Where life happens. Right here.
If you want to know more about this process, which is called Desire Mapping, I have a workshop coming up on April 26th 7-9 pm, where you’ll get the opportunity to create your own Desire Map. Registration closes on April 25th.
This is a guest post. Any opinions expressed are the writer’s own.